I am tired. The weather in Pittsburgh has been gloomy and terrible all week. I have to drive through rush hour traffic to the seminary 3 times a week, and this week I have a meeting which makes it four. I'm in Greek, and I'm horrible at languages. All of this is before we get to my actual job, where confirmation is ramping up and I am horribly behind because of all the other distractions that are going on. And the worst part of all of this is that I don't want my life to be like this when the boys come. They shouldn't see their dad like this. Even at a young age, they shouldn't be taught that this is what life has to offer them. I am tired.
This is what I want to say whenever someone asks me how I'm doing. It feels like a bottle of coke that has been shaken and shaken and shaken over and over again, completely ready to explode. I am living with this awareness that I am carrying a lot of negativity. And I hate that.
I want to be more like one of my heroes:
"Yes it's demanding. But I love it."
This is my prayer today, and I write this knowing that it will be a difficult prayer for myself and for many of you. Life is hard. People are pulling at us from all manner of directions. But I want to focus on joy. I want to find the joy of the Lord, even when I'm sitting in traffic. I want to focus on the love of Christ when I want to rip someone's head off. I want to speak joy and hope and love when someone asks me how my day is.
A friend of mine has this habit of saying "Totally awesome" whenever someone asks him how he's doing. For a while I tried to copy it, because I feel like even stealing the phrase and using it, even when you're not feeling it, can have an impact on the rest of your world and your attitude. You can't say you're totally awesome without starting to feel a little bit awesome. But stealing is lame, and also I was having the hardest time developing a habit. For me, I think when someone asks me how I'm doing, rather than complaining, rather than claiming to be tired or busy or whatever, I think I want to respond that I am joyful. Yes this is demanding. Yes this is pushing me farther than I'd like to be going right now. But I love it!